Still in the Boat

What a wild ride it has been!

I am deeply thankful as I am completely aware of the love and support and prayer surrounding me and my family. I am pleased to share with everyone the answered prayer that we experienced at our appointment with the oncologist. Because this was a second surgery and because we were told consistently by all three surgeons that radiation was next, we tried to prepare ourselves the best way we could not knowing what we would face. Well, we can't stop rejoicing since hearing the doctors words, "the cancer is gone...let's continue to observe...next CT scan in January"! We couldn't be happier! And I had the most wonderful privilege of watching my Darcy dance an Irish jig as we left the cancer center! (sigh)


The hardest part of this journey has been watching the eyes of those I love. As my own heart has had it's ups and downs emotionally, I have found real strength and comfort in the very real presence of Christ. Yet, I have found myself utterly helpless to relieve those around me except to point to the One who is helping me. I have found that Jesus really is a present help in times of trouble. I have felt His Spirit near me in ways that I have never experienced before and through face to face moments with Him He has shown me how deeply loved I am. This journey has been life changing. I think for the first time in my life I feel truly safe as I see Who is with me with new eyes. I have had a glimpse of heaven that has caused me to really look beyond this world...and I have liked what I've seen. Sometimes it takes experiencing our boat almost capsizing to really see Who is with us.

We all watched a miracle in the calming of the storm in January and now once again it is still. Could it be that His purpose in it all is to reveal Himself? And to point to things beyond this realm?Isn't that what He did with Lazareth? Isn't that what He did as He walked with and taught the disciples? Story after story shows us His compassion and love for mankind and of His great power and authority and of His deep desire that we would walk with Him. Isn't that why Jesus came to earth? That we might know God? That we would be reconciled to God? (Harmony between God and man) God provided moment by moment experiences through Jesus on the earth to teach us and to draw us to know Him. To trust Him and live with Him on earth as it is in heaven. If it has taken this experience for me to point to Jesus and to the Holy Spirit and to talk about a real relationship with God through communicating with Him and walking with Him, that my children and my loved ones might look up with me a little closer to see Him better and be drawn to know Him more...then so be it!

Everyday I will enjoy the beauty around me...but I have a fresh understanding that there is much much more. It's the same story that Jesus shared...


For some reason I thought I would write out some of the resources that have been very encouraging to me along my path this year that may be of encouragement to someone reading this. Beside my study Bible, my favorite books and current devotionals are:

"Streams in the Desert" by Cowman,
"Jesus Calling" by Sara Young,
"He Loves Me", by Wayne Jacobsen,
"Drawing Near" by John Bevere,
"The Secret of the Stairs", by Wade E. Taylor,
"Sit Walk Stand" by Watchman Nee and
"The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children" by Stormie Omartian (I have found such strength as I have prayed for my children)

Thank you Lord, for revealing yourself to me. In you I put my trust and all that concerns me.

My days and all my ways you hold in the palm of your hand.

You have proven yourself to be all you say you are in your word.

You are my strong tower.

In You there is beauty and every good thing.

Thank you.

Be still and know that I am God

Psalm 46:10

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you: and in His love He will no longer rebuke you,

but will rejoice over you with singing

Zephaniah 3:17

And your ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying,

This is the way, walk in it

When you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left.

Isaiah 30:21

Eyes have not seen, nor ears have heard, neither have entered into the heart of man,

the things which God has prepared for them that love him.

1 Cor 2:9

Living Out "Trust"

It was last year on Father's Day when I heard the Lord ask me if I would "live out loud". Most of my life I have been fairly private, except for one on one or with people who know me. Although blogging is still uncomfortable to me, I am willing. It helps when I imagine the faces of those I know who are in my life and reading this. You strengthen me. I know that I can be myself. Thanks :)

Through the years of teaching preschool, especially, I learned to become bolder, which helped me to talk about the things of my heart; to be open about my relationship with Jesus and helped me to release the songs in my CD, Songs in the Night. Because of my experience with children, often I notice the "child" in grownups. I will always be grateful for the personal growth I received in teaching preschool age children. Their honest approach to life, combined with their unconditional love and unabashed feelings has taught me so much about remaining childlike as an adult. Lately, I've been thinking about what it really means to be child like. I believe it has everything to do with trust.

I had no idea of the journey ahead when I answered "Yes" to God about living out loud. I really had no idea really why I ever felt the desire to blog. When I set it up, my opinion was that I had nothing specific I really wanted to share. And then suddenly there was something...

Once again, I am writing a difficult entry. It does help to talk about it. I know many have been waiting with us for the new prognosis of my surgery in Sept. Some, will be completely surprised because I have not been blogging. So many of you have been praying for me and for my family this year. I want to thank you. The love and encouragement spoken into our lives through all that we have faced has been greatly needed and deeply appreciated. Through out this year we have spent literally months of waiting on the unknown with no resolve. How we prayed, wished and hoped it would somehow end. We did have a few months of not thinking about cancer. We do hope that we will, in time, be blessed with that kind of bliss again.

We were very surprised in the last CT scan in July when 2 areas of new growth showed up. They were removed through surgery, September 9th and just this last Friday, 5 weeks later, the prognosis has finally come in. It wasn't what we hoped for. Because of the recurrence and fast growth they have modified the prognosis. As we understand it, the tumors are a certain DNA tissue that later as they grow become cancer. At present the tumors are gone and everything looks clean. The concern is the possibility that there are still microscopic negative cells sprinkled about. I had a complete hysterectomy because the tumors were proven estrogen reactors (estrogen grown). At present, the plan is to remove all estrogen and radiation is being strongly considered. We have lots of questions and see the oncologists this Thursday. Prayer for continued wisdom for the doctors and over our future decisions is appreciated very much. Interesting, though God is not removing this trial for the moment, He so surrounds us! We have such hope. Darcy and I are experiencing His hand at every turn, at every decision. Everything we need He is providing. We feel so loved. There is a lot of joy.

I want to share with you what the Lord is saying to me. It is all about trusting in Him. What the enemy means for evil, God means for good. One day He said to me that he wanted me to remain childlike because His ways were higher than my ways and He asked me if I would trust Him. I said, "like a five year old?" He said, "younger"..."Like a three year old?" He said, "younger". Then, He showed me my niece. Sweet little Brooklyn's face, only months old as she was bathed and dressed, fed and kissed...her every need met. He said, "like that. I'm going to take care of everything". A heavy weight lifted off my heart and mind that day. It's a place I discipline myself to remain in. Wow! That I don't have to figure things out is a relief to me! I have over analyzed my whole life and He has taken that heavy responsibility off my shoulders each time I let Him have it.

The other thing is that it's not at all about the darkness but everything about the light.

Who is this marvelous light who lives inside of us?

His name is Jesus.

"Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.

So will I bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My whole being shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness;

And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

When I remember You upon my bed and meditate on You in the night watches

For You have been my help

And in the shadow of Your wings will I rejoice.

My whole being follows hard after You and clings closely to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalms 63:3-8