Living Out "Trust"

It was last year on Father's Day when I heard the Lord ask me if I would "live out loud". Most of my life I have been fairly private, except for one on one or with people who know me. Although blogging is still uncomfortable to me, I am willing. It helps when I imagine the faces of those I know who are in my life and reading this. You strengthen me. I know that I can be myself. Thanks :)

Through the years of teaching preschool, especially, I learned to become bolder, which helped me to talk about the things of my heart; to be open about my relationship with Jesus and helped me to release the songs in my CD, Songs in the Night. Because of my experience with children, often I notice the "child" in grownups. I will always be grateful for the personal growth I received in teaching preschool age children. Their honest approach to life, combined with their unconditional love and unabashed feelings has taught me so much about remaining childlike as an adult. Lately, I've been thinking about what it really means to be child like. I believe it has everything to do with trust.

I had no idea of the journey ahead when I answered "Yes" to God about living out loud. I really had no idea really why I ever felt the desire to blog. When I set it up, my opinion was that I had nothing specific I really wanted to share. And then suddenly there was something...

Once again, I am writing a difficult entry. It does help to talk about it. I know many have been waiting with us for the new prognosis of my surgery in Sept. Some, will be completely surprised because I have not been blogging. So many of you have been praying for me and for my family this year. I want to thank you. The love and encouragement spoken into our lives through all that we have faced has been greatly needed and deeply appreciated. Through out this year we have spent literally months of waiting on the unknown with no resolve. How we prayed, wished and hoped it would somehow end. We did have a few months of not thinking about cancer. We do hope that we will, in time, be blessed with that kind of bliss again.

We were very surprised in the last CT scan in July when 2 areas of new growth showed up. They were removed through surgery, September 9th and just this last Friday, 5 weeks later, the prognosis has finally come in. It wasn't what we hoped for. Because of the recurrence and fast growth they have modified the prognosis. As we understand it, the tumors are a certain DNA tissue that later as they grow become cancer. At present the tumors are gone and everything looks clean. The concern is the possibility that there are still microscopic negative cells sprinkled about. I had a complete hysterectomy because the tumors were proven estrogen reactors (estrogen grown). At present, the plan is to remove all estrogen and radiation is being strongly considered. We have lots of questions and see the oncologists this Thursday. Prayer for continued wisdom for the doctors and over our future decisions is appreciated very much. Interesting, though God is not removing this trial for the moment, He so surrounds us! We have such hope. Darcy and I are experiencing His hand at every turn, at every decision. Everything we need He is providing. We feel so loved. There is a lot of joy.

I want to share with you what the Lord is saying to me. It is all about trusting in Him. What the enemy means for evil, God means for good. One day He said to me that he wanted me to remain childlike because His ways were higher than my ways and He asked me if I would trust Him. I said, "like a five year old?" He said, "younger"..."Like a three year old?" He said, "younger". Then, He showed me my niece. Sweet little Brooklyn's face, only months old as she was bathed and dressed, fed and kissed...her every need met. He said, "like that. I'm going to take care of everything". A heavy weight lifted off my heart and mind that day. It's a place I discipline myself to remain in. Wow! That I don't have to figure things out is a relief to me! I have over analyzed my whole life and He has taken that heavy responsibility off my shoulders each time I let Him have it.

The other thing is that it's not at all about the darkness but everything about the light.

Who is this marvelous light who lives inside of us?

His name is Jesus.

"Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.

So will I bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My whole being shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness;

And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

When I remember You upon my bed and meditate on You in the night watches

For You have been my help

And in the shadow of Your wings will I rejoice.

My whole being follows hard after You and clings closely to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalms 63:3-8

Winds of Change

~

Philippians 4:6 & 7

Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything,

but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving,

continue to make your wants known to God.

And God's peace shall be yours,

that tranquil state of soul assured of it's salvation

through Christ

and so fearing nothing from God,

that peace which transcends all understanding

shall guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

~

A number of years ago I was having breakfast with Darcy and our server happened to be a friend of ours. Even though she was busy, she had a moment to tell us of a powerful word given by the Holy Spirit through a woman at her Bible study the day before. It was a word picture of a large tornado and God's encourgement to stay in the center of the "eye" of the storm, keeping hearts and minds focused on Him and not on the confusion.

She did not know it but I, too, had a similar picture just weeks before and it had lingered in my mind and spirit. She had my full attention. The picture I had seen earlier as I was in prayer, was that I stood in the eye of a large tornado. As I looked, certain objects and faces began to show up clearly in the swirling wind and debris. Some objects were small and some were school bus size. The Lord impressed on me that as He showed me different things He was asking me to pray over each thing that He revealed according to His leading. It was during that time that He began to teach me how to draw from His Word; how to pray and to sing in the Spirit, lifting Him up in worship in His Majesty and Authority. He began to teach me how to bind the works of the enemy and to release the kingdom of heaven upon the earth through His Word.

I am still learning. Now, weeks after surgery and recovery, I find myself deep thinking and asking God to show me His will for my life in the everyday and to lead me daily. Especially now that I have been given a fresh new beginning, I am aware of a greater purpose. There has been a change in me. One that I cannot shake, nor want to. I just don't know what to do, exactly. I am aware of a new sense of passion and a deeper love for the Lord and for others around me and in our world. Prayer has suddenly become a passion. Talking with the Lord has become so important to me. Well...I know why... I can tell you why...it is because of the time I have spent with Jesus in the past weeks. He has shown Himself to me in a fresh way through the trial. He heard the cries of my heart and He answered me. He delivered me and saved He me from trouble. He showed me that He was near to me as I was broken hearted. (Psalm 34) And that He reminded me that He is a tender healer today as He was in the stories of the Bible...He became my healer in my personal story. He has been opening my eyes wider to see with a greater understanding of how important prayer is to Him. That He wants us to talk with Him and tell Him our needs; share our heart with Him and He with with us.

It has been difficult to keep my eyes off of the confusion. My heart has been greatly grieving over the hurt in our nation and in our world the past few days. You can't get away from it. It's on the news, in the paper and in conversation. Many people are hurting and in tremendous need right now. Some on a large scale and some on a very large scale. The pictures of the recent devastation from earthquakes and tornados makes my heart hurt. I can't even imagine the loss. I find myself wanting to ignore it because it is so very overwhelming. Often I feel helpless to help. I have been asking God to help me respond. He is (that's why I write this) and my heart cries out to Him each day for different situations that He lays on my heart. I realized I can't ignore things. I won't ignore. He is shaking the heavens and the earth. We need God desparately to intervene! We need Him. We need His help. We need to pray. I have decided it is the most important thing in my life right now.

The Royal Wedding brought a surge of hope to me. Darcy and I were deeply touched by the prayer that Prince William and Kate composed together. We were even more moved by Kate's brother's reading of the scripture. It was purposeful and powerful. There was a change in the air. I am asking and believing God for revival in England. I pray that their nation will be blessed by the choices made through this young couple of tremendous influence. Oh, how I loved the way they invited everyone to sing the hymn's together! Watching everyone sing from inside of Westminster Abby and throughout the streets was amazing! They lifted up the name of Jesus well.

I have become sharply aware of our nation's need of a fresh touch with God. Seeing and hearing the gospel spoken plainly on international television during the wedding made me long for such a testimony in America. It makes me weep to write. We are in great need of revival. I have been talking to the Lord about this. I have been crying out to Him, reminding Him that we will parrish without Him if He does not change us. He knows. He is asking us to focus on Him in these times of distress and trials, in our overwhelming circumstances, disappointment and loss. There is great hope in calling out to the Lord! There is great hope in praying His word. His love is at all times towards His people. His eyes are looking for our eyes. Did you know that?

2 Chronicles 16:9

For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong

on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to him...

I am writing this because my heart is heavy with the knowledge of our need of the Lord. Maybe God has already been stirring you to pray and perhaps this is to encourage you that you are not alone. Sometimes I feel alone in prayer. I miss coming together and praying at longer intervals and waiting on the Lord and worshiping Him together. Maybe God is preparing a new season that will gather us in prayer once again? I hope so.

As you read this, maybe your heart is too heavy to pray? I have been there, dear friend. And it was the prayer of others and of Christ Himself (Romans 8:27) that lifted me up when I was too weak. Perhaps you have been knocked down and you are in need of a miracle? He is standing beside you. His arms around you. Yes, it is true. He has not forsaken you. I am praying for you this moment. He hears the quiet whispers. Let your requests be made known to Him.

Nothing is too difficult for Him.

I believe the trials set before us are to strengthen us and not to bring destruction if we will put our trust in Him. If there are difficulties you are facing, I believe with all my heart the trial before you is to reveal His power and love on a personal level. He knows your name. He wants you to know that He knows it. It is not a fairy tale. He has created you with purpose and has a plan for your life and for your loved ones to give a future of hope.

There is an old saying:

"They who watch for the providence of God

Will never lack the providence of God to watch for."

Let us set our water jars out in the presence of God's rain.

Come and fill us, Lord. Oh how we need You.

Habakkuk 2:1

I will stand on my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what He will say to me.

~

Let the river flow...

In the passed 8 weeks, my experience with God has been precious to me. It is hard to put into words, but I'd like to try. I have experienced the very Presence of Christ sitting with me in my home. I have felt His loving arms wrap around me. I have felt His deep love for me. His tender compassion has comforted me when the night of my soul mirrored the storms that were outside of my window this past late winter. As I leaned into Him, sometimes, I could almost hear His actual voice. His words coming to my mind, filling my heart, lifting my inner man and giving me strength. As I received His truth, fear would leave and peace would surround me like warm blankets. Sometimes it was scripture that would come to my mind that I didn't remember memorizing. Sometimes it was a single word that would grab my heart and I would find it in reference and begin my search through His Word with it. His spirit in me was a life ring thrown out into the tempest sea of my soul...I would grab the life rope and hang on!

~

How BEAUTIFUL and bright the morning is when now the storm has passed. The night is over and the sun shines once again. My heart rejoices in all that He has done! I am in awe of Him.

~

All test results are in. No more cancer. No further treatment is required. It's over!

Doctors will continue imaging every 4 months, then 6 months, then yearly.

~

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me. I know without a shadow of doubt, that He was in the very center. I have learned much and yet it is only like "just" opening the door. I will never be the same from this experience. What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. He has moved my heart sovereignly to love more, Him and others. I have always loved. But things are different now. He has caused my heart to be willing to risk at a greater level. His love has poured in like mighty waters and has to flow out! Lord, let it be in me as You desire.

~

By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light,

So that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints.

And so you can know and understand what is

The immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power

In and for us who believe,

As demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength,

Which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him

At His own Right hand in heavenly places.

Far above all rule and authority and power and dominion and every name!

(above every title that can be conferred),

Not only in this age and in this world, but also in the age and the world which are to come.

And He put all things under His feet and has appointed Him

The universal and supreme Head of the church, which is His body,

The fullness of Him Who fills all in all...

For in that body lives the full measure of Him Who makes everything complete

And Who fills everything everywhere with Himself.

Ephesians 1:18-23

He reveals deep and secret things...

He knows what is in the darkness and light dwells with Him. Daniel 2:22

~

It's official. I have now entered the imaging part of my journey...for the rest of my life. A new level of transparency. An interesting thought.

~

My appointment with a Medical Oncologists this past Monday was the hardest one, yet. Even harder than the office visit when I was told I had cancer. On that day, I was mercifully wrapped and secure in a thickness that I can only describe as being God's Spirit. This time, however, God allowed me to feel. As I looked at the posters on the wall that said things like, "Life is precious...do you have a plan yet? We can help you..." I saw with great reality the pathway that I had been on just weeks ago that had now been changed because of a miracle! Thank you, Jesus. And like almost getting hit by a semi on the freeway, my whole body was aware of the closeness of the truth that life can be too short. This morning, as I write, the truth of God's plan that it is not my time to leave this earth quite yet is still sinking in. The talks the Lord and I have shared in the night these past few weeks are still fresh and vibrant to my soul. He has renewed me. Even with death hanging over my head all I could see was LIFE. How can this be?

~

For to be carnally minded is death,

But to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Romans 8:6

~

MUSHROOMS and SECRETS

I want to talk a little about mushrooms. I have heard the word a few times, recently. It has got me thinking...

On Facebook, someone recently said they felt in the dark, like a mushroom. Along with other comments, one loving response was that some mushrooms held great value.

When Darcy and I first moved to Mt Hood we learned very quickly that edible mushrooms grew nearby and that many who lived here knew the hidden places where they grew. Following the lead of a dear neighbor we quickly learned the value of Chantrelles. One day we decided to venture out on our own. As we walked around Lost Lake we found some mushrooms that "looked" right, as seen from the book that we had glanced at. As we filled our sack we suddenly felt unsure and decided to throw them all away and wash our hands. A wise decision, as later we learned they were not edible. Even touching some mushrooms can make one sick!

~

Another story, in 2005 I visited 7 Indian Reservations in 7 days with a group of Jesus loving women. At one of the places we ministered, a tiny, bold and powerful native woman prophesied over me. Placing her hand strongly on my head she loudly declared me a Mushroom of God. Saying that I was hidden in the secret place with Him (Psalm 91:1) and that I would be brought into the light: an ingredient that God would use in many dishes...His flavor in me creating more of Him. She went on to say that He would allow me to take on the flavors of what he was doing in many situations but to remain in Him. She then laughed loudly and said, "Lord, what is it with vegetables lately, the last person I prayed for was an asparagus!"

~

The cancer experiece has brought another mushroom story. Repeatedly, I have heard the doctors say it was like a mushroom because of the long stem and then balloon type mass connected to it. Each time I hear this I think of the small, musty mushrooms that grew out from under the damp backseat mat of our old Pontiac years ago. Ew.

One night, God told me the mushroom tumor's name was "doubt". I have to be honest, just before this experience that pushed me further into His Word and His very near Presence, doubt had become a part of me. It was a sudden thing that seemed to manifest or show itself, after the release of the Songs in the Night CD that God had Sovereignly done. I doubted my abilities. His Words of truth were spoken. His vision was fulfilled in me. But, still I doubted. In my ability? I know better than that! But still, I let the lie of the enemy come in. It sounded right. I realize that even something spoken by God can be unfufilled if we do not recieve His truth but believe a lie.

~

But the word is very near you, in your mouth,

And in your mind and in your heart,

so that you can do it...

I have set before you life and death,

Blessings and the curses;

Therefore choose life

That you and your descendants may live.

Deuteronomy 30:14,19

~

As the rain and snow come down from heaven...it shall accomplish... in the thing for which I sent it!

Oh how I love the snow. I hope you are enjoying it, too. It brings a quietness. There is such beauty to drink in and a time of reflection, if we allow it. I was drawn to read Isaiah 55:8-13 as I looked out of my window yesterday when the snow began to fall up here in Welches.

My thoughts are not your thoughts...My ways are not your ways...

Often the Lord shows me that He has my hand. Recently, I saw it again as He comforted me. Every time I read or think on this passage it reminds me of being a small child. My very small hand in His very large one. My small feet keeping in step with Him who is standing so much taller than me, watching over me thoughtfully and staying near me at the pace that He knows that I can go. He is thoughtful, caring and merciful.
In the past weeks as I have been healing and waiting, Time has stopped for me. I capitalize Time because I believe that God is Time. He created it. In one of my morning devotion readings He gave me a little understanding about what He is after in His beloved Bride. How it is important to Him and so very vital to our relationship with Him that we draw near Him.

He withdrew...to a solitary place. Matthew 14:13

John Ruskin writes, "God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or change the key. If we will only look up, God Himself will count the time for us.

With our eyes on Him, our next note will be full and clear.

If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson.

Come to Jesus, He knows your every need

Come to Jesus, He longs to set you free

From the burdens, that you carry on your own

Come to Jesus, He's waiting for you...

~

Lift your eyes to Him, Cry out His name

He will answer you, Don't be afraid

His arms are open wide, He'll carry you

Come to Jesus, His strength will see you through

Come to Jesus, He's waiting for you...

~

Come to Jesus, He'll meet you where you are

Come to Jesus, He'll remove your painful scars

He'll give you beauty

New HOPE and happiness

Come to Jesus, He's waiting for you...

~

He's been with you all along

He will give your night a song

And when you look into His eyes you will see

Eyes of Love...For you

Come to Jesus

Karen Lais

Songs in the Night

They were stunned with bewildered wonder and marveled...

Matthew 8: 26-27

Then Jesus got up and rebuked the winds and the sea,

And there was a great and wonderful calm.

And they were stunned with bewildered wonder and marveled, saying,

What kind of Man is this that even the winds and the sea obey!

It was 5 weeks ago yesterday that a tumor was found in my abdomen. There have been so many questions. The ride has definately been equivilent to being in a boat and tossed in the ocean.

As we had 2 doctor appointments this week, one on Tuesday and one on Thursday, Darcy and I decided to spend some time at the beach in between appointments.

In the future, I look forward to sharing the pictures that our camera captured with you of the full rainbow over the ocean that God gave to us while there on Wednesday. Pictures were taken right from our room at the water's edge. The sky behind the rainbow on the horizon was full of the darkest of storm clouds. As the colorful light illuminated the whole sky in front of the dark clouds, we noticed a large rock, like a table in the water, being splashed with the white crashing of waves just under the rainbow's right end...as though it were a pot of gold. God's Spirit spoke. He said, "Do not doubt me or my Word or the Rock that you rest upon; that you stand upon." Jesus, the fullfilment of God's Promises! More of that story later...

We witnessed a miracle on thursday!

Tuesday's appointment with the Radiologists confirmed what we had been told and more:

1.

A very rare maligment cancer tumor was removed from my abdomen

through surgery January 27, 2011.

A Malignant Fibroid Tumor/Spindle Type

2.

Only 19 cases known, world wide, taken from the abdomen.

I am #20.

3.

A wide panel of Oncologists, Surgeon Oncologists, Pathologists, Radiologists,

Medical Oncologists and Rare Cancer Specialists in Pathology

are making a case together for best treatment.

I am currently seeing 6 of these in the NW.

3.

This type of cancer is believed to spread or come back,

especially if the margin is negitive.

4.

The pathology report from the specialists in Washington DC

came back that the margin of the tumor removed from my abdomen was negitive. We are learning about the margin and how it is determined. What we understand is that it is rolled in ink, frozen and sliced and studied under a microscope. If dividing cells (spreading cells) are near the outer walls or in the stem cut from surgery, it is declared a negitive margin.

5.

There were 5 points touching, meaning the tumor touched 5 areas of organs

or soft tissue. Because of a negitive margin report, a second surgery was suggested for biopsies in satalite areas (organs/soft tissue surrounding) to see if cancer had spread. Also, they planned to take more from where the stem was removed to see if it was possible to get a clear margin.

6.

Questions were still being discussed as to where the negitive margin was. Was it in the stem of the tumor only or on the other areas of the tumor walls? If so, how would it be determined what organs and where, were in contact with the tumor? They would explore in surgery, remove anything suspicious and leave a tiny metel clip for radiation if areas were found.

7.

We learned that this form of cancer does not show up in blood tests. Only through imagery and x-rays would we see if there were more. Also, in the future, imagery was required to keep tabs on possible regrowth.

8.

We were told that this form of cancer did not respond to chemo. Radiation was a strong possiblity, especially because it was not a clear margin. Doctor mentioned that surgery may give us a possible clear margin at the stem. We would discuss radiation later, after surgery. Still many questions and under study.

9.

We were to see another Oncologist Surgeon Thursday.

Thursdays appointment lasted for over 3 hours, but it was worth it! Darcy and I spent much time alone in the room waiting because of the phone conferences taking place on my behalf. New evidence had been revealed since Tuesday and the pathologists report from Washington DC had been changed! It went from negitive to clear! Suddenly I was given a clear margin! What?

I knew it was true. Still we waited until my doctor called to confirm what the panel was saying before sharing the news. Were they convinced? What was next? (are we done?)

My doctor suggested I stay "fluid". To let things ride a bit...continue to see the other doctors. She said that she wanted them to know me and my case because of how rare this was and she understood that it made things complicated.

So here we are...

There is imaging to do. Yes, patience required. But, we witnessed a miracle!

I believe with all my heart that Jesus stopped the storm. I will never be the same. Who is this Man that even the winds and the sea obey?

I want to leave you with this thought. Are you waiting for a report? Whose report will you believe? Will you beleive what you see or will you believe what you know He has spoken to your heart? Read Numbers 13 & 14 and be encouraged. Our days are numbered by the Lord. His word tells us so. So in life and in death...He is life! Let every breath praise Him!

I Will Hold You...in My Victorious Right Hand

This is a difficult entry to write. Some of you will be shocked, as Darcy and I have been, to learn of such news. Some of you will be tempted to fear. Do not fear. These are not only my heart felt words to you, but your heavenly Fathers.

Recently, I have had some questions regarding my health which led to surgery January 27th. A 9.5 cm tumor was removed from my lower abdomen. We were thinking possibly a large ovarian cyst at the time, but because of it's size it was hard to determine what it was. It turned out to be an extremely rare type of cancer.

And so the journey begins.

My next appointment is this Tuesday, February 15th. We will learn much more then. We really don't know much of anything at this point and we have many questions. My plan is to communicate through this site. Again, how I wish it were possible to call each of you personally. I thank you ahead for your prayers. For myself, for Darcy, my children and family and for one another. May God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.

(I am in the process of creating a website, as the Lord has been leading me to share my life and having a website with a blog attached was part of that. (Hmm...I wasn't quite expecting this!) I will continue to share this way until the website is up and running and I will let you know)

I could not help but read my first entry before this. Yes, together, if you would like to join me, we will seek the Lord and stay very close to Him through this uncharted territory. I am belieiving, with all of my heart, that we will see the goodness of the Lord at every turn. He has a plan in this! I belong to Him. I gave Him my life a long time ago and I am in good hands. He loves me deeply. He knows what is in my heart because He has put desires there that I know He will fulfill. He is the center of my life and it is all about singing and praising Him and telling others of his great love. I believe He wants to "show off" His power and beauty through this. Let's trust Him in His work in me as He is drawing me nearer to Him than I have ever been before.

His first song to me this year, January 2011, was taken from Song of Solomon 1:4.

Draw me and we will run after You...

So let's run after Him together! I have so much to share. My heart is full of the goodness and the love of the Lord! I have peace and I am resting in Him. He has been speaking to me from the very beginning. I will share more later, but let me leave you with this last thought...

At the very beginning, as I began to cry out to Him from the depths of my heart as fear knocked loudly as my door. I felt so vulnerable. I asked Him to put me into the right hands in the medical field. He spoke almost immediately through a dear friend. He gave me Isaiah 41:10-

Fear not, for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice.

Which led to Acts 18:10-

For I am with you and no man shall assalt you to harm you,

for I have many people in this city.

Which led to Jeremiah 1:8-

Be not afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord.

ox Karen